I'MMMM BAAAACKKKKK...

i know it's been forever since i've posted. i realize i now have a following, so to you i apologize. :) this has been such a busy couple of weeks. i started my new job, and i am still transitioning from SAHM (stay-at-home mom) to working mother/wife. i continually pray for balance, and i am slowly adjusting to waking up early, and going non-stop once i get home (dinner, playing/spending time with jacob, etc.).

i love my job. i am in the professional development department for a school district and i facilitate the trainings for teachers. i love my team, my department, and having NO TAKE HOME work (like grading papers continuously...as i did as a high school english teacher). i do miss my time with jacob and i WOULD have to return to work when he is now at the age where he actually GETS what the puppet shows are about, can participate in the sing-a-alongs for the mommy and me classes and stuff, but this is a different season now, and we're adjusting.

i also found out last week that i have high blood pressure. i was immobilized by an excruciating headache which permeated through my shoulders and arms. lou asked me if i'd checked my blood pressure, which i hadn't even thought to do because i've never suffered from it-- although it runs in my family. well, i did. it was crazy high, and now i'm on medication. so, i started my workout routine this week to lose weight and get off the medication. i found an old denise austin tape that i remember doing twice in the same sitting because it did not give me enough cardio, and i could not even make it through the stretches! hahahaha but, i know the first two weeks are always the hardest.

pray for me!

Just because pixs...

mad at mommy for keeping me from continually running across the alley to get the ball from the other kids (even while holding my own ball)...

transforming "napping daddy" to "horsey daddy"...

The "out the box" series...

his hideaway...(yes, i washed the pot with the foot...hahaha)


the "duck with bottle cap" masterpiece game...

jacob created a "shoe toy." don't know how he got my shoe in here, but this was a great scooter toy for him...

the genius series...

rinsing dishes for mommy...(poor thing, he doesn't know to enjoy NOT washing dishes right now as he will be doing plenty of that when he's older ;) ). also, i'm so glad to finally get a pix of him up on his toes. he's been doing that since he could stand. it baffles me how he can get up on his toes so high!

jacob helping daddy by pulling double duty as a gardener/surfer dude!

The genius series...cont...

mastering the "snap-click" trick i saw my mommy and daddy do with the markers (after many attempts and throwing many markers across the room in frustration)---then, bettering my skill with more and more markers...

"reading"...

mastering the slide...

The genius series...

figuring out his new toy...

climbing up into a chair for the first time...(notice the squeal of success!!!)

my poor baby had flipped off the bed backwards (yes, we were right beside him when it happened!!!---i don't know which is worst--not being there when your child is hurt or being RIGHT BESIDE HIM when he's hurt (SIGH) )

anyway, he had been holding his head for a couple of days and had a fever, so he had a CAT scan done in the emergency room. everything was fine. he was also fine a minute before this pix, but felt abandoned because mommy stepped away to get her camera...MEAN OLD MOMMY!!!

Just Because...

i was behind this truck at a light. i just had to take a picture of it. hahhahaa i guess i'll hook the "brother" up with some free advertising. hahahaha hilarious!

The terror series....

i call this my "terror" series. this first set are the "terror on the carousel" pixs i discussed in a previous blog. my mother said, "i'd be afraid of that thing too" (look at the deer) hahaha in the first pix, i have him on the deer and he's even afraid to touch it. in the second pix, i had taken him off and was about to put him on the smaller pony that he's now looking at with fear and screams.

this next set are "men of terror with big red terror machine"..

. notice the book in my hand in the first pix. we had been reading about trucks, and i thought it would be a nice excursion to go and see one of the trucks...WRONG!!! hahhaha the second pix is jacob leaping into my arms from having been seated in the truck. he was absolutely terrified. the gentlemen were about to make it a better experience for him, but they were called to a fire .

these are the "WHAT THA!!!" shots...hahahaha i remember loving my "mr. potato head", so i decided to get one for jacob. he was horrified of that thing...which i could totally understand after i bought it and analyzed it from his perspective. hahahaha that's his cousin (my nephew who got all the scholarship stuff mentioned in a previous blog) helping him warm up to it. it worked! he began playing with it and now he totally loves that thing.

I'm mad!!

well, i guess not mad as much as hurt...well, not hurt as much as disappointed....well, not disappointed...

i don't know what i am right now. i guess i'm just BLAH!! my dinner sucked tonight. i had a nice little dinner of salisbury steak (sp??) with black-eyed peas, and green beans. i didn't cook the meat thoroughly (and it has to be JUST right because jacob doesn't really like beef anyway), the black-eyed peas were too salty, and the greenbeans tasted funny to lou (they didn't seem as fresh as i normally get them---different brand---well, i guess as "fresh" as frozen can be).

jacob has a way of letting us know he doesn't like something he's fed and when he's done eating. he'll continually bang in his food with his fork if he doesn't like it (because he likes the movement and the sound), and he'll throw his food, plate, or both on the floor when he's done. after we had sat down to dinner and he immediately began banging and then in the next move picked up his plate, i knew it was downhill from there! hahahaha and then lou and i bit into our medium-rare meat. Man!!!! but, my gravy turned out perfectly this time! hahahahaa

just all that prep time gone to waste...i hate WASTED time! it's such a loss. it's like the universe is flipping on its axis or something...

oh well, i took a little time to catch up on my blog because lou and the baby have gone for pizza...

My Ring

i lost my wedding ring. it's been missing for about a week. it's weird how i miss having it on my finger. i remember having to get adjusted to wearing it since i stopped keeping rings on overnight about 9 years ago (i sliced through my finger with a glass that had broken in the water while washing dishes. my finger swelled very rapidly. the emergency doctor could not cut the ring off my finger because of the swelling and was about to take my finger! prayer and a quick tug from me changed the outcome of that decision!!!).

anyway, not having it caused me to frequent the memory of my life before marriage, step-children, and my own child. a bare finger brought me face to face with my secret desires of having to work only with MY schedule, cook meals I desired, go places I wanted to go, read MY books, get dressed with only ME in mind, shower/bathe/just be in the bathroom as long as I wanted, have time to watch MY shows, shop for MYSELF, deal only with MY moods, seek MY own counsel (and God of course) on issues, go eat at places of MY choosing...(and on and on)
i also found myself wondering if people thought i was a single parent when jacob and i were out and about (i'm not slamming single parenting---hey you do what you gotta do---that's just not what i desire for me).

lou and i went to a marriage seminar a few weekends ago facilitated by jimmy evans. he used the story of exodus 16 to illustrate the renewal of marriage daily. in the story, the lord rained down manna from heaven, but the israelites were to gather as much as they needed daily and discard the rest. no one was to keep any of it until morning.

of course, telling someone not to do something is a definite sign that they WILL do just that. so, those that kept the manna until morning discovered it was filled with maggots and began to smell. his point was "yesterday's love is worthless. love only works today. all points you may have think you gained during the day evaporate at midnight every night. if you married a 'normal' person, they're gonna need you everyday."

let me just continue on with a few more things he stated about marriage because i feel someone needs to hear this (then i'll return to my ring story :) )...

he said there are 4 common misconceptions about marriage: 1) if we marry the right person, the emotions will happen naturally and effortlessly---[WRONG! there is no such thing as a marriage where the chemistry is always there]
2) if my emotions have changed toward my spouse, then i must have married the wrong person---[WRONG! you'll have issues in marriage--it doesn't matter who they are. if you trusted God then with your decision, trust him now. he used a cute illustration at this point. you know the saying, "the grass is always greener on the other side of the fence." well, he said he heard someone say, "when the grass looks greener on the other side, it's time to water your own yard." or "when the grass looks greener on the other sided, it's cuz you can't see the poop from here." hahahaha my take on that is "the grass is greener on the other side, but it still has to mowed too." (feel free to use that one :)
3) positive events, experiences, and actions should fuel the emotions long term. [WRONG! love is the most perishable thing on earth]...then he went into the manna story...

he continued with there are three laws of marriage: 1) The Law of Priority (put each other first after God) 2) Law of Pursuit (have to work at it) 3) Law of Possesion (everything we have we share--"the two shall become one" (Gen. 2:24)---everything i owned previously is now ours. anything i will not give up can potentially harm the marriage. "MY" destroys marriages.

so back to my ring...

eventually, i began to miss it. then i found myself grateful for who i have now become as a wife and mother. everything i've done, the person i once was, was training ground for who i am now. yes, i may at times resist, but this is now my calling;this is now my ministry;this is now my life, and i embrace it joyfully. i am metaphorically turning clockwise the first letter of the pronoun"M"E into "W"E in my spirit--as well as in my life.
i felt naked without my ring, much as i felt spiritually naked wallowing in the longings of a time long since gone by. and everyday, as i got dressed, i always felt like something was missing. and then i remembered the reality of my single life. it was great. and, i at the time felt i was not missing anything because i was complete in christ (it's only been 2.5 years ago). yet, i understand more now of the "mystery of marriage." it's a bond you have no idea of until you actually go through it.

when i found my ring hidden in the pocket of my dirty jeans needing to be washed (which is an analogy in and of itself---but you get the point :) ), it effortlessly slipped onto my ring finger as if to say, " i wasn't lost...just waiting...waiting for you to find me and all that i symbolize."

in christ, nothing happens by chance.

The carousel...

a man and woman are shopping in the mall. having shopped for about an hour, the couple decide it's now time for their infant to have some fun. the couple let the infant peer over the 2nd floor rail to see the carousel on the ground floor of the mall--the beautiful colors, shapes, and sounds entice the infant who squeals with delight! the couple take the infant to the carousel, where the infant (fascinated with this wondrous machine) grabs hold of the reindeer with the colorful saddle, and braces himself (with a beeming smile ) awaiting the ride of his life...

that was the fantasy...

the reality was...well, let's just say you need to replace every image that implies happiness and glee with imagery of sheer terror and tears. hahahahahaha

my poor baby. a couple of weeks ago, lou and i thought it would be so much fun for jacob to ride the carousel, and it was nice up until i actually put him on the reindeer. jacob freaked!!! i was standing right with him and holding him, but that reindeer spooked him something awful. now, top that off with the neighboring pony (which looked very similar to the fake pony at the science museum which also freaked him out...an important detail i only now realize in hindsight), and you have a recipe for terror. blessedly, there was an unoccupied bench behind the "terror animals" that i was able to safely move to (as the carousel was already in motion) without causing both of us to fly off the machine...

i'll update with pixs at a later date. i need to free up some memory on my laptop.

kids are weird...hahahaha

The cold shoulder...

now, children are precious as i stated in the last blog, but my son has been giving me the cold shoulder here lately. what's up with that??? at first i was like, "awww, that's so sweet. he's identifying with lou." he basically does not want lou out of his sight. he follows him EVERYWHERE. and when i say everywhere, i mean EVERYWHERE! when i try to join in by sitting with them or reading with them, jacob has begun pushing me away.

now, i know what you're thinking, "well, maybe he's spent a lot of time with you and that's his 'daddy' time." WRONG!!! it's always daddy time. from sun up to sun down. sometimes he breaks the routine and realizes he's been ignoring me, then i'll get a great big bear hug with an "ummmph!" sound (sound effects courtesy of grandma). then it's off to find "da-da."

when he pushed me away yesterday, while da-da was holding him and i came to hug him, i just smiled, backed up, and told him "mommy loves you." thinking that kinda hurt me (as i had been at work all day and hadn't seen him, whereas da-da had been at home with him), lou was about to say something, but jacob realized himself that he had maybe gone too far, and reached out to hug me and nuzzle in my neck. lou and i marveled at how even HE realized that push was a bit much. however, the nuzzle was short lived as it was back to da-da he went. hahaha

in that moment i had a flash-forward to the teen years--that time when teens are trying to figure themselves out and be mature, but also recognize they're still under their parents authority [remember those years???]. that time when parents are idiots and they dare not show affection toward them as much. and the parents, love them right through it with hopefully as little heartache as possible.

naw, my jakey-jake won't be that way. this is just a phase...right?

These three words...

no, they aren't "i love you" (to quote stevie wonder), they're "ear, light, and eye." three glorious words that prove to me i'm not a failure as a parent. i REALLY AM teaching and my child really is LEARNING! words are beginning to stick! jacob actually pointed to his eye AND his ear yesterday and stated what they were. granted, i have to give credit also to my mom who reinforces what we cover with him when he's with her during the day, but WU-HOO!!!

i am so proud! two days ago, he pointed to the light and said "light." i'm really amazed because he didn't say "yite" like most babies are prone to do. he actually said the "L." i've birthed a genius! hahahaha

it's like once he turned 17 months he just began advancing. he even stands still while i cut his hair and tilts his little head so i can cut better (this just happened tonight).

children are so precious...

My Birthday...

my b'day was july 23rd and i turned 37...yes, i put my age out there into virtual eternity...37! it's funny, but i don't feel as old as that number looks. i really still feel like i'm in my 20's. i was thinking, "do i feel as if i know as much as a 37 year old should know? have i accomplished all that a 37 year old should accomplish?"

i've heard people say that they had to put their life on hold because they had kids. or, kids limit what you can do. but, as i reflected (that's a word, right??) on my life the day before my b'day (as i do every year), i thought about all that i had accomplished before jacob. i mean i taught in three different school districts, i've taught students from all over the world, i have my M.Ed., i've been an administrator, i've been a speaker, i've been published (albeit in "low-scale" magazines), traveled, and had a great life. but, the hardest, most stressful, most rewarding, and definitely the only job i've EVER had that encompassed and developed all aspects of my being has been being a mom. it seems as if i was re-born a third time (2nd time as a christian) as my son was being born. i mean even during the birthing process, i drew upon a reserve of which i had no idea i contained. and, i felt like i was pretty self-actualized.

why do people make light of such an enormous and awesome job that is parenting? my hubby asked me if i'm ever going to stop staring at jacob and saying, "i can't believe he came from me? i can't believe god allowed me to participate in his miracle." hahaha he's 17 mos. now, and i still do it.

really, what did i do to deserve this gift of being the vessel through which this wonderful being would come into the world and who would fill something that was missing from the world? there is something god needs done in this world that only my jacob can do. and, his parents are the ones god has entrusted to prepare him for doing it! i am so glad god will fill in the gaps of our mistakes, and take the good and the bad of jacob's life to be for his glory.

so i look forward to the future and think about how i had 35 years of preparation for my greatest accomplishment to date....my little jacob. what a great birthday indeed!!!

Joyful Grapes

i stayed home from work today in order to monitor jacob as he had had an allergic reaction to something (i don't know if it was something he ate or those vaccines pumping through his little veins). anyway, while we're having lunch, we're singing and eating and stuff, but in the back of my mind i'm thinking about what bills are due, how we're going to pay this and that, and the extra income my job now provides coming monthly instead of bi-weekly---then i come out of my "whoaisus" trance to discover my son is having the grandest time with his grapes.

he has no idea of his mommy's internal turmoil, all he knows is that those grapes are good, fun to play with, and fun to stack! hahaha it then dawns on me---AGAIN--that i must be with my father as jacob is with me. i must walk in the confidence of knowing god is taking care of things externally, so i don't have to be discouraged internally...i just need to play with the grapes! :)

here are some pixs of his enjoyment...he's sooo cute!

ANTS!

we have a major ant problem! i feel like they're ALWAYS crawling on me. and, they aren't the big fire ants that i'm used to, they're the little teeny ones that just show up if there's a crumb or something on the floor.

i used to be so fascinated with ants when i was younger. i have no reason why, but i just liked to watch them. well, my love of ant watching returned as i watched them the other day.

my mom had given me this ant killer solution that has the smell and consistency of syrup, but is deadly! well, i placed some on a little piece of cardboard on the sink in our bathroom, and they did not come immediately, but when they came, MAN! i was amazed at their cooperation to complete a goal. we have jacob's monitor plugged into an outlet above the sink, and sometimes we forget to unplug it after it's gotten some electrical "juice." well those ants were coming from the carpet on the floor into the bathroom in droves, climbing up the cord, eating that stuff, and sort of like giving each other high five in passing while some were going down the cord. and, there was one ant who appeared to be telling everyone where to go get the "good food." he was at the center of the cord and turning around to all the ants moving them forward to the syrup.

fascinating! i even leaned down on the floor to see where they were coming from, but i couldn't tell. it was just a small carpet fiber or something. well, i figured if they were eating that stuff, if i got another small piece of cardboard with the poison on it and placed it next to that one, more would come and more would die. well, when i placed it down, the "director" looked as if he bounced up and down as if to say, "HEY GUYS GET OUTTA THERE! IT'S A HUMAN!" what appeared to be hundreds of ants beautifully aligned in a circle eating off this drop of "syrup poison" quickly dispersed and in sync all ran down the cord! their timing was impeccable, and they never bumped into one another. i started to smash them all on the way down, but i realized the rest of the nest(??)( pile??) wouldn't get the poison, so i let them go.

in watching them, i thought about my pastor who has said "the natural is always a manifestation of the spiritual," and i thought about the spiritual ramifications of what i saw. i thought of I Cor. 10:23 (NIV), "everything is permissible, but not everything is beneficial-everything is permissible, but not everything is constructive." wasn't that the ants? they happily ran to what they thought was sweet satisfaction (free will/permissible) only to later discover they were actually running TO their demise (not beneficial).

lord bless those who are reading this particular entry. let them not be swift to run to what appears sweet, but let them be guided by you in determining what is beneficial and what is constructive. develop them lord into spiritual warriors and help them to know that anything that is not done for the lord is done in vain (see I Cor. 15:58). in jesus' name i beseech you, amen.

Bragging about my nephew!

we are sooo proud of my nephew. he's received a full scholarship to the school of his choice, and he's discovered he'll be entering as a SECOND SEMESTER SOPHOMORE when school starts. he was taking college prepatory courses called "advanced placement (AP) courses." upon completing the coursework in the program, students are able to take the national exam in varied subjects. colleges view the scores, and most will accept a score of "3" (out of 5) from a student to allow him/her to be exempt from having to take that course in college .

it has surprised me how few people know about AP courses. go to collegeboard.com to find out more. it is a national program.

okay, back to my nephew. well, he scored pretty much 4's on all his tests with a few 5's. he took AP History, Calculus, English, Chemistry, and a few more...but he has earned 53 credit hours! isn't that amazing?!! not only does that save the families money, but the students also get to graduate early. i wish i had taken AP courses seriously when i was in high school. i took AP English and AP Biology in high school, which i tested out of for college...i should have taken more...

here's a pix of my nephew. i'm not ready to put his name out into cyberspace, but once he graduates, you'll know who he is...he's a musician.

hahaha wasn't he adorable?!! i'll have to upload a recent one from my camera (which i don't feel like doing right now), and i'll post it next to this one...so keep checking back (oh, he's the one on the left looking at the camera).

dear lord, bless your son who you formed in his mother's womb to stay christ-centered in a self-centered world. guide his thoughts, actions, and deeds in the direction which gives you glory in an environment where youth often seek to glorify themselves through their pleasures. protect his heart and his mind as we send him off to put into practice those virtues his family has instilled in him. let him never grow weary in being a leader, seeking your will, and following your word. i pray this in your son jesus' name. amen.

Jacob's shots...cont.

okay, all is well. jacob has not had a reaction to the shots other than dragging his little leg. he is sleeping with us because of course i need to keep a watchful eye over him. i'm still tormented by seeing those long needles rammed into my baby's legs. evidenced by my poem...or maybe not :)...i was a little ticked off.

my mom was with me, and she stated they go fast so as to not prolong the pain, but the last nurse i had went just as quickly, but did it with a little more compassion. i forgot to look at the needles to make sure she was giving him the right thing. i guess she knew what she was doing. he just looked so pitiful. he was okay with the first one, then BAM! BAM! came the other two.
he's a trooper though. he only cried a little bit, and then whimpered. i pressed on his shots, applied ice (as much as he would let me), gave him some apple juice, and he was fine ( my book What your doctor may NOT tell you about vaccines stated it's good to give juice before and after the DTaP shot to maintain sugar levels...or something like that...also, check out the entry on "immunizations" to see how to boost your child's immune system before and after the shots).

i've memorized every inch of his little body, so i'll be keeping a VERY watchful eye over any adverse reactions to these 5 things that have been pumped into my little one (DTaP, HIB, IPV). SIGH! i guess i should go to bed now as i have to get up in a few hours (went early, then woke up and couldn't sleep).

Jacob shots...

Jacob got his shots today...
it hurt my heart to see it.
and try as i might, i can't lose the sight
of his thigh engulfing the needle.

oh, that i could for just that moment take my baby's place
and be him!

i wanted to slap the administering nurse who rushed my baby's shots,
saying they needed the room.
but i kept my cool, silenced my curse,
and just held my precious one--praying that eternal moment would end very soon!


i'll write more later...my little one needs to be held...