09 December 2007
more (when he wants something to eat and would like for you to follow him into the kitchen)
NO! (with his lips very rounded and his brow furrowed...my favorite expression...he looks too cute) :)
dis (meaning "this", with his finger pointed at what he wants--usu. food)
cock (clock...this ALWAYS generates a laugh from me--which confuses jacob hahaha)
waTer (it's so cute how he enunciates the "t")
let me set the stage...jacob loves climbing. he has progressed from just climbinig on the chair to climbing onto the table from the chair. he'll climb anything at anytime. i have been a nervous wreck checking and double-checking the house to make sure everything is safely out of "having to rush to the hospital" range, while allowing opportunities for jacob to climb.
well yesterday, after changing jacob, lou and i were just kinda hanging out in jacob's room with him, and jacob decided to climb up the first rung of the ladder on his bunk beds (which he's not ready to use yet, they're just waiting for the crib to be transitioned out :). he's done this before, but he looked up and wanted to go higher. he recognized his limitations, but lou stood behind him and was encouraging him on. i got freaked out cuz his foot kinda slipped, lou held his up behind his back to me (as if to motion me to hold on a second), jacob heard me gasp, looked over at me (whereby i, noticing i was his strength at that point, faked excitement and said, "you can do it!"). my baby followed lou's instruction and put one foot up, pulled his body up, raised one hand up, pulled his foot up, and so on and so forth until he reached the top bunk. it was amazing!
he was flipping all around on the top bunk once he reached the top. he was so excited! i was sitting on the floor watching it all, and his sweet little face looked over the railing of the top bunk looked down at me with this incredible smile and said, "HEY!" hahahaha
lou took him off to do it again because he was giving signs to go again. well, this time lou did not have his hand on him as support. i was so tense as jacob's little body was literally shaking while he tried to steady himself and pull himself up. i saw him shaking and said low "lou get him!" jacob didn't hear me, but he felt me, and looked back at me for strength. i smiled as if to say, "you can do it." he smiled, turned around then slipped! lou caught him, but jacob had pretty much caught himself. and then he climbed up faster to the top. he learned the process so quickly!
i also recognized in an instant (even though i kinda already knew this) the power of my praise. if i had shown doubt, jacob would have sensed it and probably not gone further. i must never forget this---even into his adulthood. parents can be either the wind or the pin for the balloon of life for their kids (hmmm, i like that). :)
i also appreciated lou all the more in that instance cuz he makes jacobs take risks for his growth that i would probably NEVER do! mommies strengthen the heart, but daddies strengthen the resolve. :)
04 October 2007
this is what the lord showed me in that...he will often scoop us up and move us from situations we think are "fun" or are in our best interest because he sees what we cannot. and though we may become angry with the "where or what" of the situation, we can have comfort in the "why" of his purposefulness because he sees the big picture. god also showed me that although we often feel confined or restricted by his biblical parameters, his word keeps us from "the spiders" of this world that we may not even see.
this is significant for me because i was dealing with some thoughts and emotions which he needed to pull me away from and show me the purposefulness of his biblical parameters. hope it illuminates you as well.
28 September 2007
i love my job. i am in the professional development department for a school district and i facilitate the trainings for teachers. i love my team, my department, and having NO TAKE HOME work (like grading papers continuously...as i did as a high school english teacher). i do miss my time with jacob and i WOULD have to return to work when he is now at the age where he actually GETS what the puppet shows are about, can participate in the sing-a-alongs for the mommy and me classes and stuff, but this is a different season now, and we're adjusting.
i also found out last week that i have high blood pressure. i was immobilized by an excruciating headache which permeated through my shoulders and arms. lou asked me if i'd checked my blood pressure, which i hadn't even thought to do because i've never suffered from it-- although it runs in my family. well, i did. it was crazy high, and now i'm on medication. so, i started my workout routine this week to lose weight and get off the medication. i found an old denise austin tape that i remember doing twice in the same sitting because it did not give me enough cardio, and i could not even make it through the stretches! hahahaha but, i know the first two weeks are always the hardest.
pray for me!
02 September 2007
rinsing dishes for mommy...(poor thing, he doesn't know to enjoy NOT washing dishes right now as he will be doing plenty of that when he's older ;) ). also, i'm so glad to finally get a pix of him up on his toes. he's been doing that since he could stand. it baffles me how he can get up on his toes so high!
mastering the "snap-click" trick i saw my mommy and daddy do with the markers (after many attempts and throwing many markers across the room in frustration)---then, bettering my skill with more and more markers...
my poor baby had flipped off the bed backwards (yes, we were right beside him when it happened!!!---i don't know which is worst--not being there when your child is hurt or being RIGHT BESIDE HIM when he's hurt (SIGH) )
anyway, he had been holding his head for a couple of days and had a fever, so he had a CAT scan done in the emergency room. everything was fine. he was also fine a minute before this pix, but felt abandoned because mommy stepped away to get her camera...MEAN OLD MOMMY!!!
i call this my "terror" series. this first set are the "terror on the carousel" pixs i discussed in a previous blog. my mother said, "i'd be afraid of that thing too" (look at the deer) hahaha in the first pix, i have him on the deer and he's even afraid to touch it. in the second pix, i had taken him off and was about to put him on the smaller pony that he's now looking at with fear and screams.
this next set are "men of terror with big red terror machine"..
. notice the book in my hand in the first pix. we had been reading about trucks, and i thought it would be a nice excursion to go and see one of the trucks...WRONG!!! hahhaha the second pix is jacob leaping into my arms from having been seated in the truck. he was absolutely terrified. the gentlemen were about to make it a better experience for him, but they were called to a fire .
these are the "WHAT THA!!!" shots...hahahaha i remember loving my "mr. potato head", so i decided to get one for jacob. he was horrified of that thing...which i could totally understand after i bought it and analyzed it from his perspective. hahahaha that's his cousin (my nephew who got all the scholarship stuff mentioned in a previous blog) helping him warm up to it. it worked! he began playing with it and now he totally loves that thing.
i don't know what i am right now. i guess i'm just BLAH!! my dinner sucked tonight. i had a nice little dinner of salisbury steak (sp??) with black-eyed peas, and green beans. i didn't cook the meat thoroughly (and it has to be JUST right because jacob doesn't really like beef anyway), the black-eyed peas were too salty, and the greenbeans tasted funny to lou (they didn't seem as fresh as i normally get them---different brand---well, i guess as "fresh" as frozen can be).
jacob has a way of letting us know he doesn't like something he's fed and when he's done eating. he'll continually bang in his food with his fork if he doesn't like it (because he likes the movement and the sound), and he'll throw his food, plate, or both on the floor when he's done. after we had sat down to dinner and he immediately began banging and then in the next move picked up his plate, i knew it was downhill from there! hahahaha and then lou and i bit into our medium-rare meat. Man!!!! but, my gravy turned out perfectly this time! hahahahaa
just all that prep time gone to waste...i hate WASTED time! it's such a loss. it's like the universe is flipping on its axis or something...
oh well, i took a little time to catch up on my blog because lou and the baby have gone for pizza...
13 August 2007
anyway, not having it caused me to frequent the memory of my life before marriage, step-children, and my own child. a bare finger brought me face to face with my secret desires of having to work only with MY schedule, cook meals I desired, go places I wanted to go, read MY books, get dressed with only ME in mind, shower/bathe/just be in the bathroom as long as I wanted, have time to watch MY shows, shop for MYSELF, deal only with MY moods, seek MY own counsel (and God of course) on issues, go eat at places of MY choosing...(and on and on)
i also found myself wondering if people thought i was a single parent when jacob and i were out and about (i'm not slamming single parenting---hey you do what you gotta do---that's just not what i desire for me).
lou and i went to a marriage seminar a few weekends ago facilitated by jimmy evans. he used the story of exodus 16 to illustrate the renewal of marriage daily. in the story, the lord rained down manna from heaven, but the israelites were to gather as much as they needed daily and discard the rest. no one was to keep any of it until morning.
of course, telling someone not to do something is a definite sign that they WILL do just that. so, those that kept the manna until morning discovered it was filled with maggots and began to smell. his point was "yesterday's love is worthless. love only works today. all points you may have think you gained during the day evaporate at midnight every night. if you married a 'normal' person, they're gonna need you everyday."
let me just continue on with a few more things he stated about marriage because i feel someone needs to hear this (then i'll return to my ring story :) )...
he said there are 4 common misconceptions about marriage: 1) if we marry the right person, the emotions will happen naturally and effortlessly---[WRONG! there is no such thing as a marriage where the chemistry is always there]
2) if my emotions have changed toward my spouse, then i must have married the wrong person---[WRONG! you'll have issues in marriage--it doesn't matter who they are. if you trusted God then with your decision, trust him now. he used a cute illustration at this point. you know the saying, "the grass is always greener on the other side of the fence." well, he said he heard someone say, "when the grass looks greener on the other side, it's time to water your own yard." or "when the grass looks greener on the other sided, it's cuz you can't see the poop from here." hahahaha my take on that is "the grass is greener on the other side, but it still has to mowed too." (feel free to use that one :)
3) positive events, experiences, and actions should fuel the emotions long term. [WRONG! love is the most perishable thing on earth]...then he went into the manna story...
he continued with there are three laws of marriage: 1) The Law of Priority (put each other first after God) 2) Law of Pursuit (have to work at it) 3) Law of Possesion (everything we have we share--"the two shall become one" (Gen. 2:24)---everything i owned previously is now ours. anything i will not give up can potentially harm the marriage. "MY" destroys marriages.
so back to my ring...
eventually, i began to miss it. then i found myself grateful for who i have now become as a wife and mother. everything i've done, the person i once was, was training ground for who i am now. yes, i may at times resist, but this is now my calling;this is now my ministry;this is now my life, and i embrace it joyfully. i am metaphorically turning clockwise the first letter of the pronoun"M"E into "W"E in my spirit--as well as in my life.
i felt naked without my ring, much as i felt spiritually naked wallowing in the longings of a time long since gone by. and everyday, as i got dressed, i always felt like something was missing. and then i remembered the reality of my single life. it was great. and, i at the time felt i was not missing anything because i was complete in christ (it's only been 2.5 years ago). yet, i understand more now of the "mystery of marriage." it's a bond you have no idea of until you actually go through it.
when i found my ring hidden in the pocket of my dirty jeans needing to be washed (which is an analogy in and of itself---but you get the point :) ), it effortlessly slipped onto my ring finger as if to say, " i wasn't lost...just waiting...waiting for you to find me and all that i symbolize."
in christ, nothing happens by chance.
that was the fantasy...
the reality was...well, let's just say you need to replace every image that implies happiness and glee with imagery of sheer terror and tears. hahahahahaha
my poor baby. a couple of weeks ago, lou and i thought it would be so much fun for jacob to ride the carousel, and it was nice up until i actually put him on the reindeer. jacob freaked!!! i was standing right with him and holding him, but that reindeer spooked him something awful. now, top that off with the neighboring pony (which looked very similar to the fake pony at the science museum which also freaked him out...an important detail i only now realize in hindsight), and you have a recipe for terror. blessedly, there was an unoccupied bench behind the "terror animals" that i was able to safely move to (as the carousel was already in motion) without causing both of us to fly off the machine...
i'll update with pixs at a later date. i need to free up some memory on my laptop.
kids are weird...hahahaha
02 August 2007
now, i know what you're thinking, "well, maybe he's spent a lot of time with you and that's his 'daddy' time." WRONG!!! it's always daddy time. from sun up to sun down. sometimes he breaks the routine and realizes he's been ignoring me, then i'll get a great big bear hug with an "ummmph!" sound (sound effects courtesy of grandma). then it's off to find "da-da."
when he pushed me away yesterday, while da-da was holding him and i came to hug him, i just smiled, backed up, and told him "mommy loves you." thinking that kinda hurt me (as i had been at work all day and hadn't seen him, whereas da-da had been at home with him), lou was about to say something, but jacob realized himself that he had maybe gone too far, and reached out to hug me and nuzzle in my neck. lou and i marveled at how even HE realized that push was a bit much. however, the nuzzle was short lived as it was back to da-da he went. hahaha
in that moment i had a flash-forward to the teen years--that time when teens are trying to figure themselves out and be mature, but also recognize they're still under their parents authority [remember those years???]. that time when parents are idiots and they dare not show affection toward them as much. and the parents, love them right through it with hopefully as little heartache as possible.
naw, my jakey-jake won't be that way. this is just a phase...right?
i am so proud! two days ago, he pointed to the light and said "light." i'm really amazed because he didn't say "yite" like most babies are prone to do. he actually said the "L." i've birthed a genius! hahahaha
it's like once he turned 17 months he just began advancing. he even stands still while i cut his hair and tilts his little head so i can cut better (this just happened tonight).
children are so precious...
26 July 2007
i've heard people say that they had to put their life on hold because they had kids. or, kids limit what you can do. but, as i reflected (that's a word, right??) on my life the day before my b'day (as i do every year), i thought about all that i had accomplished before jacob. i mean i taught in three different school districts, i've taught students from all over the world, i have my M.Ed., i've been an administrator, i've been a speaker, i've been published (albeit in "low-scale" magazines), traveled, and had a great life. but, the hardest, most stressful, most rewarding, and definitely the only job i've EVER had that encompassed and developed all aspects of my being has been being a mom. it seems as if i was re-born a third time (2nd time as a christian) as my son was being born. i mean even during the birthing process, i drew upon a reserve of which i had no idea i contained. and, i felt like i was pretty self-actualized.
why do people make light of such an enormous and awesome job that is parenting? my hubby asked me if i'm ever going to stop staring at jacob and saying, "i can't believe he came from me? i can't believe god allowed me to participate in his miracle." hahaha he's 17 mos. now, and i still do it.
really, what did i do to deserve this gift of being the vessel through which this wonderful being would come into the world and who would fill something that was missing from the world? there is something god needs done in this world that only my jacob can do. and, his parents are the ones god has entrusted to prepare him for doing it! i am so glad god will fill in the gaps of our mistakes, and take the good and the bad of jacob's life to be for his glory.
so i look forward to the future and think about how i had 35 years of preparation for my greatest accomplishment to date....my little jacob. what a great birthday indeed!!!
12 July 2007
10 July 2007
i used to be so fascinated with ants when i was younger. i have no reason why, but i just liked to watch them. well, my love of ant watching returned as i watched them the other day.
my mom had given me this ant killer solution that has the smell and consistency of syrup, but is deadly! well, i placed some on a little piece of cardboard on the sink in our bathroom, and they did not come immediately, but when they came, MAN! i was amazed at their cooperation to complete a goal. we have jacob's monitor plugged into an outlet above the sink, and sometimes we forget to unplug it after it's gotten some electrical "juice." well those ants were coming from the carpet on the floor into the bathroom in droves, climbing up the cord, eating that stuff, and sort of like giving each other high five in passing while some were going down the cord. and, there was one ant who appeared to be telling everyone where to go get the "good food." he was at the center of the cord and turning around to all the ants moving them forward to the syrup.
fascinating! i even leaned down on the floor to see where they were coming from, but i couldn't tell. it was just a small carpet fiber or something. well, i figured if they were eating that stuff, if i got another small piece of cardboard with the poison on it and placed it next to that one, more would come and more would die. well, when i placed it down, the "director" looked as if he bounced up and down as if to say, "HEY GUYS GET OUTTA THERE! IT'S A HUMAN!" what appeared to be hundreds of ants beautifully aligned in a circle eating off this drop of "syrup poison" quickly dispersed and in sync all ran down the cord! their timing was impeccable, and they never bumped into one another. i started to smash them all on the way down, but i realized the rest of the nest(??)( pile??) wouldn't get the poison, so i let them go.
in watching them, i thought about my pastor who has said "the natural is always a manifestation of the spiritual," and i thought about the spiritual ramifications of what i saw. i thought of I Cor. 10:23 (NIV), "everything is permissible, but not everything is beneficial-everything is permissible, but not everything is constructive." wasn't that the ants? they happily ran to what they thought was sweet satisfaction (free will/permissible) only to later discover they were actually running TO their demise (not beneficial).
lord bless those who are reading this particular entry. let them not be swift to run to what appears sweet, but let them be guided by you in determining what is beneficial and what is constructive. develop them lord into spiritual warriors and help them to know that anything that is not done for the lord is done in vain (see I Cor. 15:58). in jesus' name i beseech you, amen.
hahaha wasn't he adorable?!! i'll have to upload a recent one from my camera (which i don't feel like doing right now), and i'll post it next to this one...so keep checking back (oh, he's the one on the left looking at the camera).
dear lord, bless your son who you formed in his mother's womb to stay christ-centered in a self-centered world. guide his thoughts, actions, and deeds in the direction which gives you glory in an environment where youth often seek to glorify themselves through their pleasures. protect his heart and his mind as we send him off to put into practice those virtues his family has instilled in him. let him never grow weary in being a leader, seeking your will, and following your word. i pray this in your son jesus' name. amen.
06 July 2007
my mom was with me, and she stated they go fast so as to not prolong the pain, but the last nurse i had went just as quickly, but did it with a little more compassion. i forgot to look at the needles to make sure she was giving him the right thing. i guess she knew what she was doing. he just looked so pitiful. he was okay with the first one, then BAM! BAM! came the other two.
he's a trooper though. he only cried a little bit, and then whimpered. i pressed on his shots, applied ice (as much as he would let me), gave him some apple juice, and he was fine ( my book What your doctor may NOT tell you about vaccines stated it's good to give juice before and after the DTaP shot to maintain sugar levels...or something like that...also, check out the entry on "immunizations" to see how to boost your child's immune system before and after the shots).
i've memorized every inch of his little body, so i'll be keeping a VERY watchful eye over any adverse reactions to these 5 things that have been pumped into my little one (DTaP, HIB, IPV). SIGH! i guess i should go to bed now as i have to get up in a few hours (went early, then woke up and couldn't sleep).
05 July 2007
it hurt my heart to see it.
and try as i might, i can't lose the sight
of his thigh engulfing the needle.
oh, that i could for just that moment take my baby's place
and be him!
i wanted to slap the administering nurse who rushed my baby's shots,
saying they needed the room.
but i kept my cool, silenced my curse,
and just held my precious one--praying that eternal moment would end very soon!
i'll write more later...my little one needs to be held...
02 July 2007
01 July 2007
okay, here is a topic i wanted to put out there. lou and i were watching 60 minutes last week, and they were talking about the children of sperm donors now wanting to locate their biological fathers--or the sperm donors. these women happened to strike up a conversation in the park or something about their kids' father, and they discovered they had the same sperm donor, so their children were half brother and sister. also, they soon discovered their children had another sibling. now, they have "family" get-togethers and stuff so the children can bond.
well, they all tracked down the father, and he is a young doctor who was recently married and has a baby on the way. for $50 a donation, he believed all were benefiting. him, because he needed the money, and the ladies who received his sperm because they wanted a child. he even continued to donate after he was married. now, the kicker is, that he doesn't consider the children created from his sperm his children, but he is willing to meet them. he could in actuality have over 100 children because of the amount of sperm he's donated over the years.
these stories are SOOO bizarre to me. what has become of the family? this man has all these chldren, yet he does not believe they are REALLY his because he "just gave some sperm." lou and i were discussing if this could be considered "spilling your sperm" [see Gen. 38:10] which god was not pleased with. how dare this man think ejaculating into a cup and walking away with $5o absolves him of his parental duty!!! how dare society allow him (and the many others who are doing this also--as well as the women who are participating) to!
19 June 2007
sunday, BEFORE i heard the great sermon i mentioned in my previous blog, lou and i dropped jacob off in children's church. i had such anxiety about how he would be because he was sleepy, and when i left him for the first time during vacation bible school, he was such a trooper (even though he was sleepy), but BAWLLLLLED as soon as he saw me. it was sweet/sad. he was relieved, tired, and happy all at once, but his only known way to process it all was to cry. so i held him and rocked him as he did the loud, deep, short-gasped, gutteral cry, and then he was fine.
anyway, there was a little boy there who screamed bloody murder the whole time we were dropping jacob off. i kinda consoled him and wiped his nose, but he was SOOOO upset. well, they take that age group around on the cutest little buggy, and jacob was placed next to the little boy who was just so upset. jacob gave the lady over the children a priceless look of "why am i next to him? don't you hear him screaming?"
well, lou and i started to leave in order to get jacob in the computer, and they began pushing the little buggy thingamajig. well, jacob thought we were gone, so he was fine sitting next to the "crier" until he looked over and saw us. then he looked at the little boy and started bawling too. knowing he was sleepy, and kinda not really wanting to leave him i started toward him, but all the ladies there (and lou) were telling me to "go on he's fine. just go on!" lou grabbed me, said let's go enjoy the service and we left (with me constantly looking back...hahahah and everytime i looked back the ladies working would wave me on hahahaha) i felt a LITTLE better because i saw them move jacob away from the "crier."
well, i could not have peace in the sanctuary until i checked on jacob. i was praying during "praise and worship" saying, "lord it's all about you. give me peace. this is your time." but, i could not rest until i laid eyes on him to see that he was okay.
on the way there, i stopped in the restroom. i casually mentioned my feelings to a woman in the restroom, and she also tried to convince me to go back to the sanctuary. she told me to trust god, and trust those he's placed in that position. i realized as she was talking that i always have to do what's best for my child regardless of what others think i should do. and, if i wanna go, i'm gonna go! she then started telling me to also put my husband first before the baby because he has needs to. now, don't get me wrong some of her points were very valid, but i only began to hear "wuh, wuh, wuh wuh, wuh (think charlie brown)." she began telling me something else, but i just said, "thank you. keep me in your prayers, but i gotta go."
anyway, when i got there, the kids were still on their buggy ride, and i talked to the nicest women in the children's church. they were such a relief because they allowed me to confirm my fears instead of condemning me for them. how many of us have tried to offer advice, albeit valid, without recognizing that the other person's feelings were valid to them??! how "job's friends" of us (read the story of job)!
i told one of the ladies how jacob began to cry because of the other little boy and she just said, "oh, that means he has your heart." how could she know me? how could she know how sensitive i am within my bold exterior? how could she know my heart? i got teary-eyed right there! she then told me not to feel bad about how i was feeling. all first time mothers experience what i'm feeling. i discovered she had birthed two sets of twins and a single (as she called it) :). she then told me one of her twins died at 18 mos. (the boy), and she clung to the girl. she said if her daughter even tried to slip, she was there to catch her BEFORE she stumbled. but, she made herself put her little girl in daycare so her child could grow. she said, "remember in the midst of your fears, god's got your child...wherever he is."
wasn't that sweet? she didn't look a day over 45 and had 19 grandchildren to boot. she then told me than when the buggy came, i needed only to look at jacob, but make sure he didn't see me (which was my plan all along. I just needed to see HIM, i didn't need him to see me). needless to say, he was fine. one of the ladies was holding him (while the other little boy was still bawling...which showed me once again how people are drawn to jacob...but that's another story)
on my way out, another lady said, "girl, you're better than me. my daughter didn't go to children's church until she was 3!" hahahaha
i left and was blessed even more by the sermon.
i am so thankful for modern technology! we can stay updated with emails, blogs, and cell phones. i was telling my nephew (my other sister's son) who is going to college how good he has it. he can register online. i, on the other hand, had to stand in long lines in our coliseum for HOURS hoping to get a class. and, not even being certain i could get the one i wanted until i reached the front of the long line. we didn't have "online" we were "in line."...okay that was corny. hahaha i didn't say that to him, i just thought of it right now and thought it was pretty clever--until i actually saw it in print. hahahahaha
okay, back to spain...i can't wait to visit. i need to brush up on my spanish. my brother-in-laws parents are SOOO excited they will be there. they are belgian, and it's only a two hour flight as opposed to coming to the states 2-3x a year. so, when i try to feel sad about them being gone, i think about the joy his parents are feeling. here are some pixs of them eating icecream when they were here last month: