Just thinkin' about mommiehood...

i wanted to write this down so i wouldn't forget it...

sunday, BEFORE i heard the great sermon i mentioned in my previous blog, lou and i dropped jacob off in children's church. i had such anxiety about how he would be because he was sleepy, and when i left him for the first time during vacation bible school, he was such a trooper (even though he was sleepy), but BAWLLLLLED as soon as he saw me. it was sweet/sad. he was relieved, tired, and happy all at once, but his only known way to process it all was to cry. so i held him and rocked him as he did the loud, deep, short-gasped, gutteral cry, and then he was fine.

anyway, there was a little boy there who screamed bloody murder the whole time we were dropping jacob off. i kinda consoled him and wiped his nose, but he was SOOOO upset. well, they take that age group around on the cutest little buggy, and jacob was placed next to the little boy who was just so upset. jacob gave the lady over the children a priceless look of "why am i next to him? don't you hear him screaming?"

well, lou and i started to leave in order to get jacob in the computer, and they began pushing the little buggy thingamajig. well, jacob thought we were gone, so he was fine sitting next to the "crier" until he looked over and saw us. then he looked at the little boy and started bawling too. knowing he was sleepy, and kinda not really wanting to leave him i started toward him, but all the ladies there (and lou) were telling me to "go on he's fine. just go on!" lou grabbed me, said let's go enjoy the service and we left (with me constantly looking back...hahahah and everytime i looked back the ladies working would wave me on hahahaha) i felt a LITTLE better because i saw them move jacob away from the "crier."

well, i could not have peace in the sanctuary until i checked on jacob. i was praying during "praise and worship" saying, "lord it's all about you. give me peace. this is your time." but, i could not rest until i laid eyes on him to see that he was okay.
on the way there, i stopped in the restroom. i casually mentioned my feelings to a woman in the restroom, and she also tried to convince me to go back to the sanctuary. she told me to trust god, and trust those he's placed in that position. i realized as she was talking that i always have to do what's best for my child regardless of what others think i should do. and, if i wanna go, i'm gonna go! she then started telling me to also put my husband first before the baby because he has needs to. now, don't get me wrong some of her points were very valid, but i only began to hear "wuh, wuh, wuh wuh, wuh (think charlie brown)." she began telling me something else, but i just said, "thank you. keep me in your prayers, but i gotta go."

anyway, when i got there, the kids were still on their buggy ride, and i talked to the nicest women in the children's church. they were such a relief because they allowed me to confirm my fears instead of condemning me for them. how many of us have tried to offer advice, albeit valid, without recognizing that the other person's feelings were valid to them??! how "job's friends" of us (read the story of job)!

i told one of the ladies how jacob began to cry because of the other little boy and she just said, "oh, that means he has your heart." how could she know me? how could she know how sensitive i am within my bold exterior? how could she know my heart? i got teary-eyed right there! she then told me not to feel bad about how i was feeling. all first time mothers experience what i'm feeling. i discovered she had birthed two sets of twins and a single (as she called it) :). she then told me one of her twins died at 18 mos. (the boy), and she clung to the girl. she said if her daughter even tried to slip, she was there to catch her BEFORE she stumbled. but, she made herself put her little girl in daycare so her child could grow. she said, "remember in the midst of your fears, god's got your child...wherever he is."

wasn't that sweet? she didn't look a day over 45 and had 19 grandchildren to boot. she then told me than when the buggy came, i needed only to look at jacob, but make sure he didn't see me (which was my plan all along. I just needed to see HIM, i didn't need him to see me). needless to say, he was fine. one of the ladies was holding him (while the other little boy was still bawling...which showed me once again how people are drawn to jacob...but that's another story)

on my way out, another lady said, "girl, you're better than me. my daughter didn't go to children's church until she was 3!" hahahaha

i left and was blessed even more by the sermon.