My Ring

i lost my wedding ring. it's been missing for about a week. it's weird how i miss having it on my finger. i remember having to get adjusted to wearing it since i stopped keeping rings on overnight about 9 years ago (i sliced through my finger with a glass that had broken in the water while washing dishes. my finger swelled very rapidly. the emergency doctor could not cut the ring off my finger because of the swelling and was about to take my finger! prayer and a quick tug from me changed the outcome of that decision!!!).

anyway, not having it caused me to frequent the memory of my life before marriage, step-children, and my own child. a bare finger brought me face to face with my secret desires of having to work only with MY schedule, cook meals I desired, go places I wanted to go, read MY books, get dressed with only ME in mind, shower/bathe/just be in the bathroom as long as I wanted, have time to watch MY shows, shop for MYSELF, deal only with MY moods, seek MY own counsel (and God of course) on issues, go eat at places of MY choosing...(and on and on)
i also found myself wondering if people thought i was a single parent when jacob and i were out and about (i'm not slamming single parenting---hey you do what you gotta do---that's just not what i desire for me).

lou and i went to a marriage seminar a few weekends ago facilitated by jimmy evans. he used the story of exodus 16 to illustrate the renewal of marriage daily. in the story, the lord rained down manna from heaven, but the israelites were to gather as much as they needed daily and discard the rest. no one was to keep any of it until morning.

of course, telling someone not to do something is a definite sign that they WILL do just that. so, those that kept the manna until morning discovered it was filled with maggots and began to smell. his point was "yesterday's love is worthless. love only works today. all points you may have think you gained during the day evaporate at midnight every night. if you married a 'normal' person, they're gonna need you everyday."

let me just continue on with a few more things he stated about marriage because i feel someone needs to hear this (then i'll return to my ring story :) )...

he said there are 4 common misconceptions about marriage: 1) if we marry the right person, the emotions will happen naturally and effortlessly---[WRONG! there is no such thing as a marriage where the chemistry is always there]
2) if my emotions have changed toward my spouse, then i must have married the wrong person---[WRONG! you'll have issues in marriage--it doesn't matter who they are. if you trusted God then with your decision, trust him now. he used a cute illustration at this point. you know the saying, "the grass is always greener on the other side of the fence." well, he said he heard someone say, "when the grass looks greener on the other side, it's time to water your own yard." or "when the grass looks greener on the other sided, it's cuz you can't see the poop from here." hahahaha my take on that is "the grass is greener on the other side, but it still has to mowed too." (feel free to use that one :)
3) positive events, experiences, and actions should fuel the emotions long term. [WRONG! love is the most perishable thing on earth]...then he went into the manna story...

he continued with there are three laws of marriage: 1) The Law of Priority (put each other first after God) 2) Law of Pursuit (have to work at it) 3) Law of Possesion (everything we have we share--"the two shall become one" (Gen. 2:24)---everything i owned previously is now ours. anything i will not give up can potentially harm the marriage. "MY" destroys marriages.

so back to my ring...

eventually, i began to miss it. then i found myself grateful for who i have now become as a wife and mother. everything i've done, the person i once was, was training ground for who i am now. yes, i may at times resist, but this is now my calling;this is now my ministry;this is now my life, and i embrace it joyfully. i am metaphorically turning clockwise the first letter of the pronoun"M"E into "W"E in my spirit--as well as in my life.
i felt naked without my ring, much as i felt spiritually naked wallowing in the longings of a time long since gone by. and everyday, as i got dressed, i always felt like something was missing. and then i remembered the reality of my single life. it was great. and, i at the time felt i was not missing anything because i was complete in christ (it's only been 2.5 years ago). yet, i understand more now of the "mystery of marriage." it's a bond you have no idea of until you actually go through it.

when i found my ring hidden in the pocket of my dirty jeans needing to be washed (which is an analogy in and of itself---but you get the point :) ), it effortlessly slipped onto my ring finger as if to say, " i wasn't lost...just waiting...waiting for you to find me and all that i symbolize."

in christ, nothing happens by chance.

The carousel...

a man and woman are shopping in the mall. having shopped for about an hour, the couple decide it's now time for their infant to have some fun. the couple let the infant peer over the 2nd floor rail to see the carousel on the ground floor of the mall--the beautiful colors, shapes, and sounds entice the infant who squeals with delight! the couple take the infant to the carousel, where the infant (fascinated with this wondrous machine) grabs hold of the reindeer with the colorful saddle, and braces himself (with a beeming smile ) awaiting the ride of his life...

that was the fantasy...

the reality was...well, let's just say you need to replace every image that implies happiness and glee with imagery of sheer terror and tears. hahahahahaha

my poor baby. a couple of weeks ago, lou and i thought it would be so much fun for jacob to ride the carousel, and it was nice up until i actually put him on the reindeer. jacob freaked!!! i was standing right with him and holding him, but that reindeer spooked him something awful. now, top that off with the neighboring pony (which looked very similar to the fake pony at the science museum which also freaked him out...an important detail i only now realize in hindsight), and you have a recipe for terror. blessedly, there was an unoccupied bench behind the "terror animals" that i was able to safely move to (as the carousel was already in motion) without causing both of us to fly off the machine...

i'll update with pixs at a later date. i need to free up some memory on my laptop.

kids are weird...hahahaha

The cold shoulder...

now, children are precious as i stated in the last blog, but my son has been giving me the cold shoulder here lately. what's up with that??? at first i was like, "awww, that's so sweet. he's identifying with lou." he basically does not want lou out of his sight. he follows him EVERYWHERE. and when i say everywhere, i mean EVERYWHERE! when i try to join in by sitting with them or reading with them, jacob has begun pushing me away.

now, i know what you're thinking, "well, maybe he's spent a lot of time with you and that's his 'daddy' time." WRONG!!! it's always daddy time. from sun up to sun down. sometimes he breaks the routine and realizes he's been ignoring me, then i'll get a great big bear hug with an "ummmph!" sound (sound effects courtesy of grandma). then it's off to find "da-da."

when he pushed me away yesterday, while da-da was holding him and i came to hug him, i just smiled, backed up, and told him "mommy loves you." thinking that kinda hurt me (as i had been at work all day and hadn't seen him, whereas da-da had been at home with him), lou was about to say something, but jacob realized himself that he had maybe gone too far, and reached out to hug me and nuzzle in my neck. lou and i marveled at how even HE realized that push was a bit much. however, the nuzzle was short lived as it was back to da-da he went. hahaha

in that moment i had a flash-forward to the teen years--that time when teens are trying to figure themselves out and be mature, but also recognize they're still under their parents authority [remember those years???]. that time when parents are idiots and they dare not show affection toward them as much. and the parents, love them right through it with hopefully as little heartache as possible.

naw, my jakey-jake won't be that way. this is just a phase...right?

These three words...

no, they aren't "i love you" (to quote stevie wonder), they're "ear, light, and eye." three glorious words that prove to me i'm not a failure as a parent. i REALLY AM teaching and my child really is LEARNING! words are beginning to stick! jacob actually pointed to his eye AND his ear yesterday and stated what they were. granted, i have to give credit also to my mom who reinforces what we cover with him when he's with her during the day, but WU-HOO!!!

i am so proud! two days ago, he pointed to the light and said "light." i'm really amazed because he didn't say "yite" like most babies are prone to do. he actually said the "L." i've birthed a genius! hahahaha

it's like once he turned 17 months he just began advancing. he even stands still while i cut his hair and tilts his little head so i can cut better (this just happened tonight).

children are so precious...